July is Sandwich Generation Awareness Month
The Sandwich Generation refers to those people, mostly in their mid-40’s to late 50’s, who are caring for aging parents as well as caring for young children or dependent young adult children. If you are the meat or peanut butter in that sandwich, you might be looking for help from your siblings or other family members. One of the best ways to plan the care for an aging or disabled family member is by holding a family meeting. The meeting is designed to do many things: get information from the aging or disabled person about their needs, figure out what kind of care is needed and brainstorm about ways to find that care, gauge the financial resources available for care, and assign duties to various family members so that one caregiver does not get burned out.
Who should attend the meeting? I recommend that all of the parents and siblings attend a meeting, preferably where they can meet face to face to talk about the issues facing the aging parent now, and those issues that may come up in the future. If grandchildren, aunts and uncles or friends will be responsible for some of the care, invite them along. The parent or person with a disability should be in attendance so long as they are physically able to be there.
It is usually best to hold the meeting in a neutral place, such as a meeting room in a hotel or community center. I also recommend there be a fairly impartial facilitator to keep the meeting on track, if possible. And, there should be plenty of snacks and drinks so people won’t want to leave before you’ve discussed all the important points.
With so many families spread out over the world, it can be difficult to get everyone together. If the family has a regular family reunion, perhaps the reunion time can be extended to allow the family to get together for this meeting. If there is no regularly scheduled reunion, you can use scheduling programs such as Doodle to find out when the most attendees will be available. If some family members absolutely cannot meet in person, you can use tools such as Zoom, Skype or Google Hangouts Google Hangouts to bring those other family members in by video.
Once you have set the time and place, have everyone agree to an agenda. Appoint someone to come up with a proposed agenda in advance of the meeting, and then circulate that proposed agenda for comments, additions and changes.
Here are the five basic items that should be covered in the meeting:
1. The Health and Safety of the aging parent or person with a disability
- How do they feel about their own healthcare and safety and what are they concerned about?
- Are there any disease or illness diagnoses?
- Are they paying attention to personal hygiene?
- Have there been any instances where the safety of the parent has been compromised, such as falling, leaving the stove on, wandering, etc.?
- Who are their physicians, dentists, therapists, professional and volunteer caregivers?
- What medications are they taking and are they remembering to take them regularly?
- What health insurance do they have? If they are on Medicare, is there supplemental insurance or prescription medication coverage?
- How are the premiums paid and is there someone who will be informed if the premiums are not paid?
- How are their finances?
- What financial resources do they have?
- What are their regular bills and how do those bills get paid? How will you know if they forget to pay the bills?
2. The current living and care arrangements, whether those arrangements are working, and a plan for future living arrangements
- If the parent’s condition is changing, what living and care arrangements will be necessary in the future?
- How will you find appropriate housing and care?
3. The legal documents do they have and the legal documents they need
- Who is their lawyer and when was the last time they saw a lawyer? Where are the legal documents stored?
- Who is named as Agent, Personal Representative, etc. in those documents?
- Who are their beneficiaries on their IRA’s, 401(k)’s, life insurance policies and annuities?
4. A plan to pay for long-term care
- Is there long-term insurance available? If so, what are the terms? Where is the policy and how are the premiums paid for?
- If there is no long-term care insurance, can the parent or person with disability afford to pay for care by him or herself? Are there any government programs, such as Veterans benefits or Medicaid, that can help pay for long-term care?
5. The family caregivers – who will do what and when
- Sometimes family members volunteer to perform the tasks for which they have talent. The brother who is a nurse may be the natural fit for the person to oversee the parent’s healthcare and the sister who is the CPA will take over the finances. What if it isn’t so clear or if no one wants to take on the tasks? Can people be hired to perform some of the tasks such as paying the bills?
- Can the family agree that it may not be fair to one of the children to take on all of the responsibility for care?
If one family member is taking on the bulk of the care, can the others agree to take a turn to provide relief to the primary caregiver?
The topics may vary from family to family, and for those families who may find it especially hard to discuss these items you might consider having a professional or a mediator to assist in these discussions.